[8-Bit Cover] Drenched Bluff | Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky

This has to be Spoink’s pearl! Quick! Let’s take it back!

Chimchar was disappointed when our first task as members of Wigglytuff’s Guild was only to find Spoink’s dropped (stolen) pearl instead of hunting treasures in mysterious unknown places. But the interesting fountain formation at the heart of Drenched Bluff and Spoink’s thanks made up for the initial disappointment.

⬇ Downloads

8Bit-PMD2-DrenchedBluff.mp3
8Bit-PMD2-DrenchedBluff.flac
8Bit-PMD2-DrenchedBluff.wav
8Bit-PMD2-DrenchedBluff_loopable.wav
8Bit-PMD2-DrenchedBluff.0cc

📒 My Thoughts

New Design

This is the first (new) song with the new design for 8-bit fideos and with perfectly lossless recordings and exports at tiny file sizes, thanks to the two weeks I spent learning about codecs and FFmpeg. The lossless UHD file is only 80 MiB in size! Of course, if you’re watching this on sites like YouTube instead of on my website, it will still be badly compressed. But now it’s only that one lossy conversion instead of recording, conversion for Resolve, export and upload. It really shows even on YouTube, the colours look so much brighter and the pixels so much sharper. The next paragraph is what I wrote about the new design earlier, in case you didn’t read it:

I finally reworked the outdated 8-bit fideo design. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. I also love the visualisations of NSFPlay Synthesia, they are interesting to look at and show what’s going on much better than just the FamiTracker pattern (and they let me spot more mistakes). I really want to use NSFPS, but of course, the main part of the fideo is already filled with the drawing which is important as well. I don’t want NSFPS to cover up the drawing, preventing people from properly seeing it. So I thought, maybe some opacity could solve that problem.

The poll results regarding the integration of an opacity value into NSFPS are that people seem to pwefer either high or low values. Therefore, I used the middle ground: a medium opacity value of 62.5, making neither the people who want high values nor the people who want low values happy. Democracy!

The Song

Volume Variations etc.

In the past, I usually gave all notes within a channel and section the same volume, as it is in the original digitally made songs. For the manually played songs I covered like Coconut and DbD Theme however, I simulated the played-by-hand-imperfections by giving notes different volumes, start times, lengths and pitch slides, like in the originals. These variations and imperfections are one of the major differences between digital music and analogue music and they are one of the major things that I absolutely prefer and love in analogue music. They give songs so much more life and dynamics. So I thought, why not also incorporate this into my covers of digital songs that don’t have them? That would make them more interesting, unique and lively as well. So I did that. I’m not sure if the volume differences are a bit too extreme, ranging from A to as low as 6. As I mentioned multiple times, I’ve been looking forward to covering this great song since Introducing Link Remastered and I’ve been plunking along to it on my keyboard many times while listening to it (is that the right word and is it properly used? I’ve never seen or heard it before). My keyboard is pressure sensitive which I absolutely love since it allows me to have the aforementioned beloved volume variations when I play on it. For the 8-bit cover, I used some of the volume variations I frequently used while “playing” Drenched Bluff on the keyboard, for example the loud D# followed by a very quiet A# or the longer notes at the end before the ascending half steps. While I think the sixes and even sevens might be a little too quiet, the volume variations add a lot to the song in my opinion, both for the listening and creational experience. I can’t wait to use them again in the next song.

Xylophone, Bass

For the xylophone-y part after the first section, my first idea was to use arpeggios as there was only one channel left for the chords (with the main melody dual-channel echo) and I love arpeggios of course. But, if I recall correctly, it didn’t sound that great because the notes were all the same pitch and rhythm as the chords and mostly the melody. I moved some notes a bit and it immediately sounded interesting and good because it turned into its own separate melody with a different rhythm.

I love the bass melody in this song. A triangle bass is quite quiet generally, and at 0:28, when the bass is playing on its own, it was way too quiet and boring compared to the original. Which doesn’t mean that triangle basses are boring of course, I love them. But everyone needs a friend, so I have it a happy little 50 % friend and together, they sound good enough. I used a lot of 50 % in this song. It’s generally the 2A03’s pulse width that I like the least, but it’s great for high-pitched flute-like instruments. They can still sound bad and hurt, like partly in Dialga’s Fight to the Finish, but they turned out well here, I think. And it’s good for Spinda’s Cafę sounds (steel drums? I only now that word and the sound associated with it. I just looked it up on Wikipedia and YT … and my mind is blown. An actual drum that looks like a mirror shaped into a bowl containing many tiny pitched drumming areas? Absolutely fascinating). I love triangle basses, especially with the pitch slide in the beginning but it’s not that great on its own. It’s good with other stuff playing as well or when combining it with another channel. In combination with another channel, the triangle gives it a lot of depth, both as in low pitch and as in space/volume, while the other channel gives it more texture and flavour.

Hearing and Seeing

I have no idea if any of these terms make sense, I have no idea about music terms. I just used words that describe something completely different, yet somehow also feel related and fitting for sounds. Sound is fascinating. It feels like less than seeing but also like so much more. It feels like eyes are more objective and “emotionless” while ears are more subjective and more connected to feelings and our inner life, yet we rely much more on our eyes for perception and navigation in the physical world. While ears are mostly used for language, which is an expression of abstract thoughts from out mind, and music, which causes incredibly strong feelings. Maybe the ears should be called windows to the soul instead. It’s also interesting how hearing something we can’t see or seeing something we can’t hear feels uneasy. Well, just as uneasy as seeing something we can’t feel and so on, an especially interesting case being 3D technology like the 3DS where you can move your hand through what you see. I guess all our senses are important and if their interpretations don’t match, something is wrong. Eyes make us see. Ears make us hear … and feel. Looking at art or anything of course also creates feelings. But ears not only do more, they also create images in our mind, they let us see with our inner eye. I guess ears actually are more of a window to the soul than eyes. And I guess they both interpret frequencies coming from the physical world around us. Sometimes, I’ve thought about how it must be to be blind or deaf and if I would prefer giving up my eyesight or the ability to hear. I usually came to the conclusion that I would prefer being deaf because eyes do the vast majority of perception related to navigating the physical world, as already mentioned. Not being able to percieve the physical things around me and constantly having to worry about running into something/someone, falling off somewhere or being run over sounds terrifying to me, even with a cane that is just a one-dimensional perception check while eyes are a three-dimensional 180° perception check. Looking at art and playing video games would also be impossible, meaning that the incredible feelings along with my beloved nostalgia that the games from my childhood give me couldn’t be experienced anymore. Or maybe they could, through the music. Reading would be a huge loss. I guess reading is the eyes`s"s equivalent to what hearing does to the mind. It’s not at all objectively interpreting what is in the physical world. Reading is completely in the mind, also creating images in the mind’s eye. And more than that, also sound/music, feeling as in touch etc. senses, feelings as in emotions tasting. Like hearing can do with music, so I guess they are both capable of this after all. Of course, you can also listen to a book by having someone read it to you. This has the advantage of additional feelings through the voice and possibly music and sound effects and the disadvantage of more external senses being used, as many things are coming predetermined from the outside and are therefore also limited to the physical boundaries of the speaker instead of plain neutral words that go straight into the mind that then creates the world for the inner senses. I believe being deaf would allow me to do more things and to live in a physical world more comfortably but it would deprive me of many and incredibly important feelings and, at least to me, feelings and everything immaterial is more important. So, while not being able to see the physical world around me would be a great loss and challenge, I believe that the feelings created by music and sounds and of course the feelings from and bond to other people created through vocal chords would be a much greater loss. Most of the things I do use the eyes, for example drawing, writing, a little coding, the mostly visual part of fideo editing, reading and looking at nature around me. The only things I use my ears for are listening to or making music and language. A computer monitor is much more important than speakers or headphones. My final conclusion now is that seeing and hearing are very similar but seeing is a bit more objective and a bit less about emotions while hearing is more emotional and therefore more connected to the mind/soul/immaterial/poodle’s core. And the latter is more important.

I also came to the conclusion that I hate hypothetical choices between two bad things. And that I’m digressing as usual and that it’s midnight soon because what is writing a description quickly. Or sleep. But these thoughts about the two primary senses and their connection to the mind and objectivity/feelings was interesting.

Other Changes, Arpeggios, Pxx, Toot, Poot

At 0:10, I added another chord before the actual chord because I felt like it was a bit boring and repetitive and it turned out to be better like this in my opinion. Which doesn’t mean that the first part is boring at all, I absolutely love it.

In the third part, the xylophone plays its octave dichords in non-repeated arpeggios which sounds quite interesting. To differentiate it from the 8-bit arpeggios I used in the second part and to separate both notes more regarding time, I used octave two-note arpeggios with 4 ticks for each note instead of the 2 ticks I usually use which sounds quite interesting as well, and I let it loop while fading out like usual 8-bit arpeggios. I really like the resulting sound, I should use it again some time. In the fideo’s Synthesia, the lower arpeggio notes during this part are covered by the main melody, so it looks like there is only one note alternating between on and off instead of it being a proper arpeggio. It’s still visible on the claviature.

Even though the main melody and lower arpeggio notes are the exact same pitch and pulse width, those notes still don’t ruin each other as usual, so I didn’t have to use Pxx. But the last chord in the third part has that same note as well and that was too much, requiring me to use Pxx. But I once again realised that the sound created by two of the same notes with a tiny bit of pitch deviation thanks to Pxx sounds interesting and great. And it reminds me of the way other people’s 8-bit music sounds, especially Lumena-tan. I just realised, maybe I should use that for echoes. That could separate the echo from the original and maybe make that interesting sound more often.

The fourth part is my favourite, I absolutely love it and especially the last ascending half step notes. For the tooty sound, I used a pulse width envelope with more gradual steps than I’ve ever used, I think: 7 4 2 1 0. That makes it look interesting in Synthesia. It looks very nice and colourful when it’s playing because the colours blend together, creating a nice rainbow but it looks not so nice when it’s not moving and the actual colours are visible. There’s not enough yellow. It reminds me of Mabel’s shooting star sweater. I just looked it up and those actually are exactly the sweater colours, except that the star’s yellow is missing and that the notes have a red tick that is almost not visible. And this envelope sounds as interesting and unique as it looks. I almost used a regular 25 % envelope but this sounds much better. I really like it and I’ll use similar envelopes more often in the future.

In addition to the usual chords and the tooty sound, there is another accompanying chord-like part playing in the background with sort of a kazooie sound. I can’t express how much I love the ascending notes it makes during the break at 1:03. I really wanted to put that instrument in, especially because of this part. I already made an instrument for it and thought that a 6.25 % wave would sound pretty fitting. Unfortunately, there was only one channel left and I had to decide between putting this part in and having a dual-channel echo for the main melody. Since I used an echo for all earlier main parts and echoes are very important for depth and good sound in general, I unfortunately felt like the echo was more important. But there was no way, there was no way, I could make it down that song, without using at least those notes I especially love. So I tried removing the last tooty sounds and replaced them with kazooie sounds. While the part itself did sound good, the sudden instrument change, along with the pitch change because the toot is very low and the poot very high, sounded very bad and disruptive. I tried lowering it by one octave but it still sounded too different, also because the poot consists of long notes of equal volume with no pauses inbetween while the toot has shorter fading notes. After more tries to somehow fit it in, I had the idea to incorporate the notes in question into the toot instrument and at the toot pitch, thereby making the notes similar enough to the toot as to not feel disruptive while also keeping at least this great part. With a note release at the end to make it blend in more, it really sounded good and fitting. I did the same for at least the similar part later by again removing the notes at the end of a frame and the first following note and I like how it turned out. I didn’t give up on my belowed notes and I found a way to keep them, only in a different and interesting way. Music will find a way.

The Drawing

Drenched Face

As I already tooted, in the ingame art for the end of Drenched Bluff, at the very top in the middle, I see a face with eyes, nostrils, a mouth with teeth, possibly horns and the head’s outline. I said that it looks like a dragon or snake but now I think it looks even more like Sid from Ice Age. Of course I integrated this weird face that I couldn’t stop thinking about into my drawing.

Background

Just like last time, I didn’t use the NES colour palette I’ve always been using before and used manual colours with multiple shades instead. I tried to stay close to how the ingame art is drawn regarding shades to try something different and to learn how the original artist did things. As always, the background of the drawing was what I had the least confidence in in the whole fideo. And by the least I mean none at all. I was convinced it looked and would continue looking horrible until the very end when it surpassed the quality shit. Now I think it doesn’t look ugly but not really good or interesting either. Boring, mostly. The shading partly doesn’t make sense but as I said, I tried to stick to the original’s shading. I have no idea what I’m doing, I really need more practice and some tutorials on how to draw landscapes.

The same goes for clouds. I used a 7 px circle brush for them and they do look quite fluffy but they looked weird with all sides visible, so I always hid one side at the edge of the drawing.

Foreground

Just like in Dialga, I used a lineless shaded style for the Pokémon, only using lines where it’s necessary to separate two overlapping things of the same colour. Riolu’s head looks weird but I think Chimchar looks alright, though different than usual. When they were done, I wanted to try outlines after all. First, I drew light black (as in a very dark blue-ish grey) outlines but only on the outside, keeping coloured lines for the inside of overlapping elements of the same colour and no lines otherwise. This looks quite interesting, almost like renders from a game with cel shading and black outlines. But since coloured outlines are my fwiend, I tried that as well, this time with outlines around all overlapping parts, even if they have different colours as especially Riolu’s left fake ear looked weird with no outline on just the bottom right part with the blue head next to it. And I settled for this version because 1. I felt like outlines were helpful in separating the characters from the environment and 2. I felt like the coloured lines made them look like they are still a part of the image instead of rendered 3D models on a map. I guess I could be happy that my drawn characters look so “good” as if they were 3D renders. But I don’t want that, I want an imperfect stylised drawing. Maybe not using 3D models as a reference would help against that. But I have no confidence that I could do the pose otherwise. And I saw that even professional artists use 3D modelling/animating software as reference for their drawings which is good to know. I’m not satisfied with the outline colours, especially for Chimchar. I love highly saturated outlines. I guess I should have saturated them more. I tooted the alternate line versions here.

It’s 1, 2 (2) in the morning now. I’ll continue writing tomorrow, I want to get at least 1, 2 hours of sleep. Another day or rather another two days used on this fideo and not on the Christmas fideo. Or the New Year’s Eve’s fideo. But I am excited to do those. If only the Jeff fideos weren’t so much dull voice editing. And if only I had made the Jeff Kaplan Voice Pack™ already.

The Fideo

Screen Recording

It took me days to get acceptable screen recordings of 0CC-FamiTracker and NSFPlay Synthesia. I recorded all 9 recordings, of course with some multiple times because I noticed mistakes in the song, converted them to a Resolve-readable png sequence which FFmpeg does incredibly quickly and started editing. While synchronising NSFPS to the beginning of the song, I already noticed wider variations in synchronicity. I jumped to the end to check the synchronicity there. And it was like 20 frames too late. I left it like this temporarily and synchronised the pattern at the bottom. That one was like 11 frames to late at the end while the beginning matched up. I did all sorts of testing to see if the exported audio file was somehow too fast, if FFmpeg messed up the speed while recording or if FT and NSFPS are at fault. After playing the original song, exported cover and Famitracker at the same time, I came to the conclusion that FT and NSFPS are playing back a little too slow. What also happened the day I first recorded for this fideo is that FT kept giving me an error about an incorrect save path each time I saved (it also showed the path and it was correct), but it still did save, even though the * saying that it didn’t save and the unsaved changes warning when closing never went away. I tried saving with Clip Studio Paint, my only other Windows application that can save something, and it saved with no error, so I guess it’s not an error with all Wine applications. And it’s still there.

The slower speed seemed to have disappeared the next day. But only for FT. And of course, it was merely replaced with a different problem, as always. Both applications started having little stutters every once in a while. This also made it impossible to get a good and above all properly timed recording. I tried a lot of things, I even installed Wine, FT and FFmpegon a live system to see if that fixes it, but FT was running at very low fps there. Eventually, the stutters became less frequent and I actually recorded 7 out of the 8 FT recordings perfectly in one go. Of course, for the last one, the stutters set in again. I recorded it again and again, until I eventually and finally got lucky enough to get at least one perfect loop instead of 2.1. I had to do the same for NSFPS. The stutterers were worse there. I also managed to get one loop eventually. The FT recordings were perfectly timed but the NSFPS recording was still too slow, although not as much as earlier. Since I didn’t know what else I could do, I changed the recording’s framerate in Resolve from the song’s 66 hz to something like 65.91 fps for the beginning and end to match up. Now, everything was at the right speed, although NSFPS only artificially, but I still noticed higher frame deviations. FT and NSFP’s visuals are quite choppy with many skipped and dropped frames. Usually, the deviations are 1 and sometimes 2 frames too late. This time, they were very rarely on time and mostly 3 up to something like 6 frames too late. I don’t know what’s wrong but I believe it’s not really noticeable because it already is quite choppy. So I synchronised all other parts as well, taking much longer than usual because it was choppier and I tested a lot of points in the beginning, middle and end of each track to make sure they aren’t too slow or fast. Unfortunately, for some reason, I only looked at the waves and not at the volumes which I’ve been wanting to do instead as it’s easier. I didn’t even make the volume layers visible at all, I just positioned them according to the wave layers of the same channel and didn’t check if everything was alright with them. When I was finally done, I made all layers visible … only to notice that the volume bars had the regular size instead of double width, as the new design requires. The double width is achieved by setting the font size in FT to 19. Meaning that I had to re-record everything except for the pattern at the bottom again. Fortunately, there were no stutters this time. But they were still as choppy as before. I tried NSFPS once more to see if it also stopped being choppy, but it didn’t. So I synchronised everything except for NSFPS and the pattern once more with once again much more effort than usual.

Also, not all Synthesia colours look like they have the same opacity even though they should. Maybe it’s Resolve’s blending method. And the dark grey for black triangle keys (I hate that black keys are more black but there’s no way to change that, not even in the soon to be mentioned config file) was nearly the same grey as the rocks behind it, so I duplicated that NSFPS layer, keyed everything out except for the notes in question and made them brighter. I should have keyed them out in the main layer but I unfortunately didn’t, so now they are two overlapping notes, making them much less transparent.

Custom NSFPlay Synthesia Dimensions

By the way, in my toot with a bit of behind the scenes of how I fideo edit the visuals, I explained that I had to stack multiple time-delayed Synthesia copies on top of each other to fill the entire height because NSFPS isn’t high enough, especially the very short noise channel that is separate above the claviature. This worked but because of NSFPS’s visual choppiness, it wasn’t looking that good. In addition to the additional choppiness introduced due to the song not being 60 hz but 66 hz. It would be great if there were some sort of config file that allowed me to edit the dimensions of the Synthesia areas. I thought this would be very unlikely but after remaking the DbD Theme and before making this fideo, I did take a look into the NSFPS folder and did actually find a config file. That did actually allow me to specify sizes for both areas. A dream come true! I’m glad I found it this early and not like in a year. This will save work and make it look smoother. The file is located in the NSFPS folder at /plugins/in_yansf.ini and the lines in question are at the bottom, called DRUMS_HEIGHT, SYNTHESIA_HEIGHT and SYNTHESIA_WIDTH. I haven’t tried changing the synthesia width, I don’t know if it extends or widens the keyboard, messing up the equal width of each key. I do know that I had to set the synthesia height to 433 instead of 432 because, unlike the drums which were perfect, the synthesia part was one pixel shorter than I specified.

RL

Streaming

It started out great. After a long time of no fun, I finally started working on this song I love. I wanted to stream the entire creation process this time (except for preparation work like analysing the song and planning and sketching the drawing). But I didn’t stream the first day of FamiTracking because I still was too afraid of people seeing me start from nothing and failing at making anything. But after it appeared to be turning out good after the first afternoon, I had enough courage to actually click the stream button on the second day. And I was only nervous for a little bit at the start. Maybe because nobody really watches, or at least so it seems. Streaming seems to be helpful indeed in making me focus and be more efficient instead of allowing doubts which lead to me struggling to continue. I finished the cover in three afternoons, two of them streamed. And it was very fun and turned out well. After that, I spent two days and one night on something unimportant. That lead to me being too tired to do anything the next day. When I actually started the drawing, I again wasn’t feeling confident enough to press the stream button and unlike the cover, the drawing didn’t quickly start appearing great. It looked bad for a long time and surpassed the quality shit very late, staying at mediocre. It was partly fun to try out something different and I was listening to ster’s Myriad campaign in the background which was also interesting but I was fighting my self-doubts the entire time and therefore didn’t hit the stream button again.

Tortoises

There was also an external factor that severely reduced my enjoyment and made me unable to do anything on multiple days. It started with my mum telling me that she doesn’t want to have a hotbed (?) when she moves into her new house in spring and that she doesn’t want to keep them in a designated area in the garden all the time, only partly during the day and they’ll keep staying inside in a small unfitting box otherwise. Which probably means they’ll never be outside. They need constant heat, UV-B and calcium to be healthy. This year, she didn’t put their box outside on the balcony a single time. It was always either too cold, too hot or the air molecules were moving which means the tortoises would catch a cold. So I guess the big improvement for them I hoped would come with the new house won’t actually happen. My hopes were completely crushed. That brought back frequent nightmares about the tortoises (in combination with my mum) and of course the feelings of hopelessness for the future and guilt for the past and present. The tortoises are hibernating right now anyway, so I can’t do anything at the moment and I shouldn’t think about them. But my conscience doesn’t let me forget them and my dreams keep bringing them back into it. And who knows how well their hibernation is going. My mum says she is very worried about that. Which is reasonable because she made the conditions as bad as they could be, both unrelated and related to hibernation. And she said she was sad about the dead and worried about the sick ones, but she created the conditions and circumstances that lead to that and she does not care at all about learning how to properly treat them. It’s either nonsense or a personal attack on her. She doesn’t care at all about how to properly treat them or learning about them and what conditions they need to live a healthy life and treats them like furniture that can be looked at every once in a while. And then she says she is sad when something happens to them but doesn’t change anything.

Family

A couple of days later, I had a tortoise nightmare right before my alarm went off which transitioned the dream’s bad feelings into the waking life in full intensity. I couldn’t stop thinking about them and felt terrible the whole day. Little did I know that the worst was yet to come. In the afternoon, when I was in the bathroom disposing of solid matter, brushing my teeth and checking the shops in ACNH at the same time to efficiently use my available life time, I heard a very quiet door-knocking sound. Because it was so quiet, I assumed it was on one of my neighbour’s doors. But after a bit, I heard my brother whispering.

I let him in and he cried and told me the usual: Our mum once again snapped, screamed at him the usual things, for example that she wishes he had never been born and he couldn’t stand it anymore and ran away to me. Of course, she quickly arrived as well, leading to like an hour of her screaming at us whith my brother sitting on my sofa, sometimes crying, and me listening to our mum and sometimes attempting to say something that would make her understand my brother’s/our point of view or something that could defuse the situation. But the most I could do was getting both of them to apologise to each other, apologies that will be and were forgotten the next day. She complained that she feels like we don’t love her at all, we hate her, don’t care about her and don’t even listen to her. I tried to explain to her that this is the exact same we feel about her unfortunately, which is because she alternately treats us nicely while at the same time expecting too much from us and not allowing us to do anything ourselves because she has to control and care for us and in the next moment, she screams at us, tells us she hates us, we are the worst people on earth (along with our dad, whose genes corrupted us), that she can never be happy as long as we exist, that we are the reason for why her marriage and subsequent relationships ended and all kinds of other things. But just like she complained that she felt like we don’t listen to her, she didn’t listen to me either, she was constantly talking and never let me speak.

Which is kind of ironic and wisible. Especially a couple of days later when I was at her door to get soup soup soup and she just had another conflict with my brother. I told her both she and my brother should listen to each other. Both of them said the other person doesn’t listen. Only, our mum said that my brother hadn’t even said anything. After he said she didn’t listen to him. Just like before when I tried to tell her our point of view, that we do love her and why it seems to all of us that the other person doesn’t love us. She doesn’t even notice that we say something. I never talk, and when I do, she doesn’t listen or even notice. I know that she loves us, but it’s not a healthy kind of love. It’s a dependent kind of love, as in the only positive thing in her life is caring for us and losing that means losing the only thing that gives her purpose. It’s a love that expects but can neither give nor take. She doesn’t even know us, what we like, how we think or who we are. Neither do we, I only started slowly learning who I am (and who she is) like 6 years ago.

We’ve never felt like we’ve received genuine, unconditional love from her. Therefore, it’s of course difficult or rather impossible for us to give the same to her. She needs it as badly from us as we need it from her. But she never gave it to us and we could never give it to her. She doesn’t love us for the sake of love, she loves us to feed the emptiness in her own heart that has never been filled with genuine love before us either, to tell others what great and perfect children she has and how much she loves them and to have us do what she did or would have wanted to do. Which is why she always wanted and still wants and expects me to be a perfect genius, the next Einstein, a highly gifted Mozart. She views me like she views my dad: highly intelligent but emotionless. Unfortunately, I’m neither a perfect genius nor emotionless. I tried to be an emotionless genius but all that did was make me afraid of not being good enough and afraid of showing the many feelings I feel as a human being. She tried so hard to make me perfect, but now I just waste my potential, according to her. I’m a disappointment and not worthy to exist. As I think about myself. Just like she thinks my brother didn’t say anything when he did, she thinks I don’t feel any feelings when I do. She doesn’t listen to our feelings, she doesn’t hear, see or feel them. And she doesn’t see my feelings because she sees my dad in me instead who is the emotionless devil himself to her.

My brother on the other hand seems to her to be less gifted and genius than me and his worse grades are of course completely unacceptable for someone who wants perfect children. She always says she doesn’t even expect anything from him anymore and he can fail as much as he wants, but that’s not actually what she thinks or how she acts. She doesn’t allow him to fail, nor does she allow him to succeed by making studying with her a nightmare and by doing everything for him so he gets perfect grades. In Germany, there are three types of public schools to choose from after elementary school, each with an increasing amount of years until graduation and difficulty. Of course, she sent him to the “best” type as well, even though it was not recommended by his elementary school (which was a disaster). And she always tells him that, if he’s not good or ambitious enough to perform well, he could of course always go to a school for stupid people instead where the students beat each other, take drugs and that are full of foreigners.

Back to The Screamening when my brother came to me. She complained about all kinds of things I said to her. Sometimes after she once again told us how horrible her job is, how she has to work all day, night and weekend, how her colleagues bully each other and try to to everything to appear as the best, how her superiors don’t respect her work and how she doesn’t know how long she can do this anymore, I tell her that that’s not healthy and that she should do something that makes her happy. But then, she says she is happy and loves her job. I say, it didn’t sound like she is very happy before. She says she is. Right after describing how she can’t survive her horrible job any longer. And she is so exhausted after work that it’s impossible for her to be nice or patient. She takes out her frustration about her job and broken love from her partners and parents on us. But she interprets asking her if she is really happy with her 24/7 job and worrying about her after her work complaints as me questioning her life choices, not valuing her incredible efforts and denying her existence because her work and children are all meaning and worth her life has, as I believe she feels. And which seems to be similar to her intentions when she actually screams at me that I’m the worst child in existence and my existence is the cause of her misery. Sometimes, when she tells me I’m a disappointment and, since she found out about my art and music that artists don’t do anything for society and I’m wasting my potential and life by wanting to create artistic things instead of following the career path she planned for me (she compares me attempting to be an artist with other disappointing children becoming drug addicts and criminals), I jokingly, ask her back (if I’m able to suppress my sadness enough) if it’s better to have a job one hates but that pays a lot of money that can’t buy happiness. Unfortunately, this makes her even more angry. I already realised the last time it hapened that I shouldn’t be saying this anymore because she takes it too seriously and it only makes her sad. Unfortunately, she does not at all understand jokes or irony. I remember, once my brother jokinkly said something and she didn’t get that it was meant to be a joke and complained how rebellious and sassy he was being.

Actually back to The Screamening. After a while of screaming, failed efforts to calm the situation down and no listening, our mum had a complete mental breakdown, the worst I’ve seen in a long time. She was leaning on the wall, crying, sobbingly recalling and reciting all of her traumatic experiences since her marriage with a very quiet (this is unusual, her voice is usually very loud) voice. Then, she kept whispering that everyone keeps throwing her into the dirt but she keeps getting up and she always survived. Followed by saying that she is strong and despite being a single mother, which she has been not just since her divorce but since our birth, she still is strong and earns so much money that she can buy whatever she wants. I really wanted to hug her but because of certain circumstances I held myself back. I thought of grabbing a pillow and kind of using it as an arm extension to hug her with it, which might even cheer her up because it would be a little wisible. But I couldn’t do it. Because I too thought of everything that happened, how everything that happened made and makes her unable to give her children genuine love and how she will scream at me again the next day, no matter what I do. My hope has been disappointed so many times. I still always forget everything she did the next day and ask myself how I could ever think anything negative about her. But I started writing things down and forcing myself to remember, to distance myself from her instead and to not believe her when she says the bad things she did never happened. Unfortunately, my brother isn’t that far. After they went home, he told me he was for the millionth time certain everything would be fine and different now. Until I got the soup. The cycle will never end. He hasn’t lost all of his hope for her and all self-confidence for himself yet. But he might eventually.

I haven’t lost hope in her either. I believe in the good and ability to change in everyone and I have love and respect for everyone. Because everyone has an infinite (and therefore of course also equal) amount of worth. Except that it’s hard to accept that same value within myself. And I have mostly given up on trying to help her. I can’t make her happy, like she says. She has to work on herself to become happy and so do I. But she can and does make us very unhappy. I feel very bad for wanting to do this but I have to distance myself from her. Almost every time I have contact with her, I feel terrible and the whole rest of the day is ruined. Even when she’s not here, the aggressive sounds of high heels, cars parking and their doors being slammed and people walking up stairs behind a wall always remind me of her. The problem is that we are the most important thing in her life and losing us would make her even more unhappy. Not having control over us means losing us and therefore everything she has. Like her parents who are still controlling her and she actively seeks their control while at the same time being annoyed by it and being sad if they don’t approve what she wants to do. And there is of course also by brother who I would leave behind with her, not being able to be the mediator anymore. All of this already happened three years ago when I moved out. But one year ago, she also moved here. And now, it almost feels like I’m living with her again. And I can’t stand it. How did I survive actually living with her? And how could I have left my brother behind?

My dad’s uncle has a farm, yodeldodeldi. Pardon, holleradeldadeldö. In the house for humans, there is a small separate flat where I could live without having to pay rent. The internet is horrible right now but the area will get fibre eventually and living on a secluded farm, away from ugly and unimaginative buildings and loud and ugly and SMELLY pieces of streetlery sounds like a dream come true. I have no idea if it’s a good idea to replace living under my mum’s mercy with subjecting myself to the mercy of my dad’s family instead. According to her, his whole family is completely disturbed, which is of course where our bad genes come from. I feel like I know her. I don’t feel like I know my dad after all this time. Maybe the things she says about him are as wrong as the things she says about me. I don’t know. But I will give it a try and let my paternal family convince me themselves if they actually are disturbed and evil itself. Maybe this is the opportunity to make my dream of creating things for the sake of art and fun and living a fulfilling life come true. All I need is love, art and a roof over my head. I have nothing to lose, only to gain. I’ll take the chance, after the credits of 2020. But what about my brother?

Woe! woe!
Thou hast it destroyed,
The beautiful world,
With powerful fist:
In ruin ’tis hurled,
By the blow of a demigod shattered!
The scattered
Fragments into the Void we carry,
Deploring
The beauty perished beyond restoring.
Mightier
For the children of men,
Brightlier
Build it again,
In thine own bosom build it anew!
Bid the new career
Commence,
With clearer sense,
And the new songs of cheer
Be sung thereto!

(Goethe’s Faust)

Alright, these were the external factors that I had to keep thinking about and that made me unable to do anything or unable to focus, which in turn forced me to skip the planned variety (I only played OW dm for two hours for the skin but had little fun and PLGP for two hours and had a little fun) and to draw a mediocre drawing hwhile my mind was elsehwhere, again having little fun and the fideo coming out a week late. Right after I was happily working on the cover. Enough time spent thinking about this for now, time to climb back out of this duckness.

This Page

This is the longest “fideo description” novel yet. I can’t believe some early ones only were a couple of paragraphs long. And it’s interesting how the directory /rezawrces/tmp/ has evolved from a pastebin where I just put in a wrongly formatted .txt file or an .html file with unformatted text because I slightly exceeded YouTube’s description length limit, gradually getting more polished and more features from my current “alpha design” for the website with each new description because I couldn’t stand the bad look, to this one where I added the last bits of formatting and even embedded the fideo and song themselves. Now it almost already looks like a usable page. While it’s in a dump directory on a website that still doesn’t properly exist.

One thing I love about writing description novels and recently also tweets/toots is that I’m not writing to anyone, so I can just be myself without having to worry about sounding weird or automatically becoming what the other person expects me to be. I believe this is also, known as, a diary, sometimes. And many of these things sound very weird because I just write down my raw mind output and I’m sleep deprived. But nobody actually reads these, fortunately. Or do they?

Conclusion

I think the drawing is mediocre/boring and the pixel choice is bland but I like how the cover turned out, I believe it’s even worthy of a spot on my list of the (few) things I’ve made that I really like. I’m also happy about the new fideo design. While writing this description novel took two days and will let me not sleep enough again today, I do love writing and it was nice to get all of this off my chest. How are you doing? Every life is an interesting story. I hope your story is going well. Our stories meet right here and I’m happy that they do. And now, onward to the Christmas fideo. The last two Christmas fideos are on my imaginary favourites list, by the way.

👆 Links

Website: https://phal.io
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/phalio
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/phalio
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFLp8Is-lEMpQvhoY95Gorg/
YouTube_2: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6OogQGNdNLLRix0TR0Ke_A
Twitter: https://twitter.com/Phalio_
Discord Server: https://phal.io/discord
SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/phalio
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/phalio7
Twitch (German): https://www.twitch.tv/phalio_
Mastodon: https://mstdn.social/@Phalio
Matrix community: https://matrix.to/#/+hylians:phal.io
I’m on almost every site because I don’t want to exclude anyone, find out if I’m using the site you’re using here: https://phal.io/links

💾 Programmes Used

8-bit audio production: 0CC-FamiTracker https://github.com/HertzDevil/0CC-FamiTracker/releases
Pixel art: Aseprite https://www.aseprite.org/
Fideo editing: DaVinvi Resolve https://www.blackmagicdesign.com/products/davinciresolve/
Screen recording, video conversion: FFmpeg https://ffmpeg.org/
Note visualisation: NSFPlay Synthesia https://bbbradsmith.github.io/nsfplay/
Audio editing, playing back and timestamping original song to analyse: Audacity https://www.audacityteam.org/
Playing back original notes and instruments to analyse: LMMS https://lmms.io/
Extracting smd files from game: Tinke https://github.com/pleonex/tinke/releases
Converting smd files to midi: smd2mid https://github.com/ipatix/smd2mid

🎵 Music Used

Original song: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky – Drenched Bluff https://youtu.be/ABPVZ2giCO8